The Curious Thing About Fear

You can learn almost everything you ever need to know about a person by how much they are missed by their loved ones once they've gone. By how much the people they interacted with on a day to day basics struggle to fill the void, by how much time passes until life goes back to a comfortable rhythm.

Today was my last day at work. The girls got me a card and a balloon, they all said how much the would miss me and wished me luck. A client of ours over heard that I was leaving, pulled me aside and told me how great a job I always did; how kind and polite I was, but most of all she wanted to let me know that she appreciated my customer service. This came from a woman who I thought did not like me. I always thought she was more trouble than most, but that was by far the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.

She appreciated me. At work, I took the time to make sure everything was done right. I made sure that everyone was happy, I always put a, sometimes forced, smile on my face. My family rarely got the same attention. When was the last time I surprised them, or made them laugh, or made their day better? Will they truly say to one another "I wish she was here."? And the answer is, sadly, I think not. I make messes that I don't clean, I am crabby and snap at people I shouldn't, I am lazy, I do not help out as much as I should and it is hard to miss someone who is such a pain in the ass to live with.

My family was not blessed with a fun, happy-go-lucky girl. And for this I am sorry. I used to think that they would realize how much they actually do lean on me, but what if in two months, the people I care about realize how much of a relief it is not having to put up with my day to day theatrics? What happens if they dread my homecoming on holidays, groaning in the pre-arrival preparations about me staying with them? What happens when they realize what a burden I am?

This is the scariest thing about leaving for college. Not the money, not the classes and not one's roommate. No the scariest thing of all is thinking about how easy it is for one's family to see one go.

Sincerely,
College Nobody

Packing

Packing is not a peaceful experience. It stirs old memories that should be left to rest; it takes a familiar place and makes it strange. The act of packing, for better or worse, makes future situations definite.

My parents separated several years ago. Since then my father remarried a woman that, lets just say, I do not see eye to eye with. Every time I have to go visit them, I wait until the last possible moment to gather my things, because before then, the trip is just a plan; a maybe. Not until the car is loaded, is it truly reality.

My reality became clear Thursday morning when I commandeered the living room and started packing away my precious material items. All the decorative nic-nacs I have carefully collected from the few places I have traveled to; the little things that have come to represent my personality, all gently put away. My familiar room looks so strange; so lacking in character.

Well, until I feel like writing again,

college nobody

Pre Move Out Jitters

I had a freak out at work the other day.

I had a freak out at work the other day and this is neither professional or in my character really, so it has been bugging me lately. In approximately 7 days and 8 hours I will be moving away from a very comfortable and financially stable home and interning a life of 12 meals a week plans and bills and debt and having to pay to use the washer and it is a huge change!!!

Here is as good a place to mention how excited I am for this new adventure. Moving out, no curfews, no anxiously waiting mother, no picking up after younger siblings, no playing taxi to ungrateful drama kings. Leaving the nest, leaving security, possibility of failing as I have never failed before.

The utter and absolute truth is... I am ready; I can do this. Am I afraid... hell yes.

What the hell we are doing

The internet is quickly changing from new frontier to everyday necessity; it has COMPLETELY changed how we, as a society, communicate and keep in touch with friends. That is why two friends and I have decided to create an online dairy of sorts. An (almost) completely honest telling of the going-ons in our individual lives. I say almost, because in order to do this with out fear of public humiliation, we have decided to use false names, majors and other little details that may give our true identities away (ours' and the peoples' we write about.)

So to begin... I am enrolled at the University of Wyoming as a freshman, due to start classes on the 24th of August, 2009. As an incoming freshman from out of town, I have to stay in the dorms (which I am actually exited about.) My soon-to-be new roommate seems cool enough. We met once this summer and have been e-mailing back and forth. She seems nice enough and we seem to get along okay. Since she will be my roommate, and I may mention her a lot, I've decided to give her a fake name... hum... how about Sarah? Sarah the roomie.

Well, that is it for now. I guess I'll write more when something interesting happens.

Later,
college nobody