The Curious Thing About Fear

You can learn almost everything you ever need to know about a person by how much they are missed by their loved ones once they've gone. By how much the people they interacted with on a day to day basics struggle to fill the void, by how much time passes until life goes back to a comfortable rhythm.

Today was my last day at work. The girls got me a card and a balloon, they all said how much the would miss me and wished me luck. A client of ours over heard that I was leaving, pulled me aside and told me how great a job I always did; how kind and polite I was, but most of all she wanted to let me know that she appreciated my customer service. This came from a woman who I thought did not like me. I always thought she was more trouble than most, but that was by far the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.

She appreciated me. At work, I took the time to make sure everything was done right. I made sure that everyone was happy, I always put a, sometimes forced, smile on my face. My family rarely got the same attention. When was the last time I surprised them, or made them laugh, or made their day better? Will they truly say to one another "I wish she was here."? And the answer is, sadly, I think not. I make messes that I don't clean, I am crabby and snap at people I shouldn't, I am lazy, I do not help out as much as I should and it is hard to miss someone who is such a pain in the ass to live with.

My family was not blessed with a fun, happy-go-lucky girl. And for this I am sorry. I used to think that they would realize how much they actually do lean on me, but what if in two months, the people I care about realize how much of a relief it is not having to put up with my day to day theatrics? What happens if they dread my homecoming on holidays, groaning in the pre-arrival preparations about me staying with them? What happens when they realize what a burden I am?

This is the scariest thing about leaving for college. Not the money, not the classes and not one's roommate. No the scariest thing of all is thinking about how easy it is for one's family to see one go.

Sincerely,
College Nobody