Fall is depressingly satisfying. It is melancholy in all of its glory. Fall is cool and calm and serene before the harsh assault of a hard winter. It smells crisp and spicy; the colors are warm and bountiful in verity. People are friendlier because the obnoxious hot of summer is gone and the spiteful cold of winter has not chilled their humanity. Students are still happy with their classes; finals are a distant nightmare easily forgotten. Cute clothes are back in season ;)
Where I live, fall only gets to visit a short while and once it leaves, I am always left with this empty feeling of a friend going too soon. It has come to the point that I do not let myself enjoy this favorite season as much as I used to in order to protect myself against the inevitable feeling of abandonment.
I am starting to incorporate this distancing for protection with people as well. It seems that the people that I want to get close to are preoccupied and uninterested. The charming little quworks of new found "friends", that once were amusing are now, to say politely, FUCKING annoying. And the people who are interested in me are... not my type. It seems almost safer to keep people at a distance, in order to keep from getting hurt and hurting as well.
Whatever, I am going to bed.
-College Nobody
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Skipping Steps
In cooking it is crucial to follow a procedure in order to properly make an edible dish. To add the eggs before removing the shells can prove to be disastrous. Relationships have a similarly important set of steps. Get to know the person, establish a comfort conversing, exchange views and ideologies. All previous things are important steps to accomplish BEFORE hopping into bed with said person. You see I skipped these steps and because of this, expectations of the other party were not met and I could have very well have cost myself the relationship. Miss-communication is the leading cause of conflict. With this thought in mind I reach for my phone to text him, and... I LEFT IT IN HIS CAR!!! The ONLY way of contacting him is on silent in his car.
This is new territory and I don't know how to act. I made myself vulnerable and easy and now I do not know what I have to show for it.
Unfortunately, this is but the latest show of bad judgment I have displayed since coming to college...
To start from the beginning...
The first night I was on campus I met a guy (you can tell this is bad already[foreshadow] ) anyway he was cute and seemed nice enough. I spent my first two nights of college in his bed. No I did not have sex, no he was not even a good kisser. On the third day here he tells me that he has a crush on my roommate instead and would like to pursue her. Ok... well after one date she rejected him and then he tried to get back together with me! (Tool)
A week later... I was at this dance party with a few guys I had met hours before. There was one in particular I was interested in. We danced (and by dance of course I mean basically have sex on the dance floor with our cloths on :( I am not liking myself the more I write this.) The next night we hang out and end up sucking face outside my dorm room for half an hour. The next day he acts like nothing happened and when confronted about it he said that he didn't want ANY kind of relationship with a girl besides one of friendship; that he had had some serious issues in the past that he just couldn't get over. Yeah, we are doing the whole friend thing now. (My roommate now is obsessed with him. Yes, she knows about my feelings toward him and the make out session.) To be fair to her, I did say that it was ok for her to go after him.
Next, the party night. Since being in College, there was only one night that I went balls to the wall partying... and did I go all out. Dressed in my hottest (and most scandalous) outfit, I go out with a guy that I had met twice. We meet up with his "crew" and IMMEDIATELY start pounding vodka. The crew and I walk to a passion part (my first) because of the promise of more vodka (which I drank WAY too much of). After being significantly wasted, I agree to climb into the bed of a pick up truck with three other people, and drive on the interstate, clear across town. Once there, it becomes known that I had never smoked out of a bong, so three appear and I am expected to take every other hit (this is were things take a very nasty, semi-blurred turn for the worst.) Everything was moving so fast and then I couldn't stand. There were guys I didn't know standing around looking at me, like I was a piece of meat to be divided and shared. I felt like puking. I felt scared; really scared like I haven't felt in so long... and then he texted me. This guy that I thought that I might have a crush on, texted me. Hallelujah, I had found away out of this hellish nightmare. Some how he got someone to text him the address and he came and got me. He drove me home, carried me to my bathroom, waited around as I threw my guts up (very unattractively and ALL over the public bathroom floor), and then help me get into my room never once trying to take advantage of my compromised state. After that night we hung out here and there, and still he made no advance, until finally, over a week later, by way of miss-sent text, we get together (sort of). By sort of I mean we did everything but have actual sex. We didn't have sex because I never have before and do not exactly want it to be a casual experience with a guy I hardly know (yes, the part about being naked with him in bed does make the previous statement seem hypocritical, I get that, but it is the way I feel.) That first day he was fine with not having sex (I "forgot" to mention that I was a sort-of-virgin). Last night, however, he did not seem quite as understanding... things were great at first. We were having a good time, until I had to tell him no and the reason. This could be all in my head, since I have not had the chance to talk to him today, but he seemed put off for lack of better term.
Wow... maybe instead of college confession as the title to my blog it should be confessions of a ho :( maybe then I would get more profile views...
-College Nobody
Oh and P.S. I joined the fencing club!
This is new territory and I don't know how to act. I made myself vulnerable and easy and now I do not know what I have to show for it.
Unfortunately, this is but the latest show of bad judgment I have displayed since coming to college...
To start from the beginning...
The first night I was on campus I met a guy (you can tell this is bad already[foreshadow] ) anyway he was cute and seemed nice enough. I spent my first two nights of college in his bed. No I did not have sex, no he was not even a good kisser. On the third day here he tells me that he has a crush on my roommate instead and would like to pursue her. Ok... well after one date she rejected him and then he tried to get back together with me! (Tool)
A week later... I was at this dance party with a few guys I had met hours before. There was one in particular I was interested in. We danced (and by dance of course I mean basically have sex on the dance floor with our cloths on :( I am not liking myself the more I write this.) The next night we hang out and end up sucking face outside my dorm room for half an hour. The next day he acts like nothing happened and when confronted about it he said that he didn't want ANY kind of relationship with a girl besides one of friendship; that he had had some serious issues in the past that he just couldn't get over. Yeah, we are doing the whole friend thing now. (My roommate now is obsessed with him. Yes, she knows about my feelings toward him and the make out session.) To be fair to her, I did say that it was ok for her to go after him.
Next, the party night. Since being in College, there was only one night that I went balls to the wall partying... and did I go all out. Dressed in my hottest (and most scandalous) outfit, I go out with a guy that I had met twice. We meet up with his "crew" and IMMEDIATELY start pounding vodka. The crew and I walk to a passion part (my first) because of the promise of more vodka (which I drank WAY too much of). After being significantly wasted, I agree to climb into the bed of a pick up truck with three other people, and drive on the interstate, clear across town. Once there, it becomes known that I had never smoked out of a bong, so three appear and I am expected to take every other hit (this is were things take a very nasty, semi-blurred turn for the worst.) Everything was moving so fast and then I couldn't stand. There were guys I didn't know standing around looking at me, like I was a piece of meat to be divided and shared. I felt like puking. I felt scared; really scared like I haven't felt in so long... and then he texted me. This guy that I thought that I might have a crush on, texted me. Hallelujah, I had found away out of this hellish nightmare. Some how he got someone to text him the address and he came and got me. He drove me home, carried me to my bathroom, waited around as I threw my guts up (very unattractively and ALL over the public bathroom floor), and then help me get into my room never once trying to take advantage of my compromised state. After that night we hung out here and there, and still he made no advance, until finally, over a week later, by way of miss-sent text, we get together (sort of). By sort of I mean we did everything but have actual sex. We didn't have sex because I never have before and do not exactly want it to be a casual experience with a guy I hardly know (yes, the part about being naked with him in bed does make the previous statement seem hypocritical, I get that, but it is the way I feel.) That first day he was fine with not having sex (I "forgot" to mention that I was a sort-of-virgin). Last night, however, he did not seem quite as understanding... things were great at first. We were having a good time, until I had to tell him no and the reason. This could be all in my head, since I have not had the chance to talk to him today, but he seemed put off for lack of better term.
Wow... maybe instead of college confession as the title to my blog it should be confessions of a ho :( maybe then I would get more profile views...
-College Nobody
Oh and P.S. I joined the fencing club!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Curious Thing About Fear
You can learn almost everything you ever need to know about a person by how much they are missed by their loved ones once they've gone. By how much the people they interacted with on a day to day basics struggle to fill the void, by how much time passes until life goes back to a comfortable rhythm.
Today was my last day at work. The girls got me a card and a balloon, they all said how much the would miss me and wished me luck. A client of ours over heard that I was leaving, pulled me aside and told me how great a job I always did; how kind and polite I was, but most of all she wanted to let me know that she appreciated my customer service. This came from a woman who I thought did not like me. I always thought she was more trouble than most, but that was by far the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.
She appreciated me. At work, I took the time to make sure everything was done right. I made sure that everyone was happy, I always put a, sometimes forced, smile on my face. My family rarely got the same attention. When was the last time I surprised them, or made them laugh, or made their day better? Will they truly say to one another "I wish she was here."? And the answer is, sadly, I think not. I make messes that I don't clean, I am crabby and snap at people I shouldn't, I am lazy, I do not help out as much as I should and it is hard to miss someone who is such a pain in the ass to live with.
My family was not blessed with a fun, happy-go-lucky girl. And for this I am sorry. I used to think that they would realize how much they actually do lean on me, but what if in two months, the people I care about realize how much of a relief it is not having to put up with my day to day theatrics? What happens if they dread my homecoming on holidays, groaning in the pre-arrival preparations about me staying with them? What happens when they realize what a burden I am?
This is the scariest thing about leaving for college. Not the money, not the classes and not one's roommate. No the scariest thing of all is thinking about how easy it is for one's family to see one go.
Sincerely,
College Nobody
Today was my last day at work. The girls got me a card and a balloon, they all said how much the would miss me and wished me luck. A client of ours over heard that I was leaving, pulled me aside and told me how great a job I always did; how kind and polite I was, but most of all she wanted to let me know that she appreciated my customer service. This came from a woman who I thought did not like me. I always thought she was more trouble than most, but that was by far the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.
She appreciated me. At work, I took the time to make sure everything was done right. I made sure that everyone was happy, I always put a, sometimes forced, smile on my face. My family rarely got the same attention. When was the last time I surprised them, or made them laugh, or made their day better? Will they truly say to one another "I wish she was here."? And the answer is, sadly, I think not. I make messes that I don't clean, I am crabby and snap at people I shouldn't, I am lazy, I do not help out as much as I should and it is hard to miss someone who is such a pain in the ass to live with.
My family was not blessed with a fun, happy-go-lucky girl. And for this I am sorry. I used to think that they would realize how much they actually do lean on me, but what if in two months, the people I care about realize how much of a relief it is not having to put up with my day to day theatrics? What happens if they dread my homecoming on holidays, groaning in the pre-arrival preparations about me staying with them? What happens when they realize what a burden I am?
This is the scariest thing about leaving for college. Not the money, not the classes and not one's roommate. No the scariest thing of all is thinking about how easy it is for one's family to see one go.
Sincerely,
College Nobody
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Packing
Packing is not a peaceful experience. It stirs old memories that should be left to rest; it takes a familiar place and makes it strange. The act of packing, for better or worse, makes future situations definite.
My parents separated several years ago. Since then my father remarried a woman that, lets just say, I do not see eye to eye with. Every time I have to go visit them, I wait until the last possible moment to gather my things, because before then, the trip is just a plan; a maybe. Not until the car is loaded, is it truly reality.
My reality became clear Thursday morning when I commandeered the living room and started packing away my precious material items. All the decorative nic-nacs I have carefully collected from the few places I have traveled to; the little things that have come to represent my personality, all gently put away. My familiar room looks so strange; so lacking in character.
Well, until I feel like writing again,
college nobody
My parents separated several years ago. Since then my father remarried a woman that, lets just say, I do not see eye to eye with. Every time I have to go visit them, I wait until the last possible moment to gather my things, because before then, the trip is just a plan; a maybe. Not until the car is loaded, is it truly reality.
My reality became clear Thursday morning when I commandeered the living room and started packing away my precious material items. All the decorative nic-nacs I have carefully collected from the few places I have traveled to; the little things that have come to represent my personality, all gently put away. My familiar room looks so strange; so lacking in character.
Well, until I feel like writing again,
college nobody
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Pre Move Out Jitters
I had a freak out at work the other day.
I had a freak out at work the other day and this is neither professional or in my character really, so it has been bugging me lately. In approximately 7 days and 8 hours I will be moving away from a very comfortable and financially stable home and interning a life of 12 meals a week plans and bills and debt and having to pay to use the washer and it is a huge change!!!
Here is as good a place to mention how excited I am for this new adventure. Moving out, no curfews, no anxiously waiting mother, no picking up after younger siblings, no playing taxi to ungrateful drama kings. Leaving the nest, leaving security, possibility of failing as I have never failed before.
The utter and absolute truth is... I am ready; I can do this. Am I afraid... hell yes.
I had a freak out at work the other day and this is neither professional or in my character really, so it has been bugging me lately. In approximately 7 days and 8 hours I will be moving away from a very comfortable and financially stable home and interning a life of 12 meals a week plans and bills and debt and having to pay to use the washer and it is a huge change!!!
Here is as good a place to mention how excited I am for this new adventure. Moving out, no curfews, no anxiously waiting mother, no picking up after younger siblings, no playing taxi to ungrateful drama kings. Leaving the nest, leaving security, possibility of failing as I have never failed before.
The utter and absolute truth is... I am ready; I can do this. Am I afraid... hell yes.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What the hell we are doing
The internet is quickly changing from new frontier to everyday necessity; it has COMPLETELY changed how we, as a society, communicate and keep in touch with friends. That is why two friends and I have decided to create an online dairy of sorts. An (almost) completely honest telling of the going-ons in our individual lives. I say almost, because in order to do this with out fear of public humiliation, we have decided to use false names, majors and other little details that may give our true identities away (ours' and the peoples' we write about.)
So to begin... I am enrolled at the University of Wyoming as a freshman, due to start classes on the 24th of August, 2009. As an incoming freshman from out of town, I have to stay in the dorms (which I am actually exited about.) My soon-to-be new roommate seems cool enough. We met once this summer and have been e-mailing back and forth. She seems nice enough and we seem to get along okay. Since she will be my roommate, and I may mention her a lot, I've decided to give her a fake name... hum... how about Sarah? Sarah the roomie.
Well, that is it for now. I guess I'll write more when something interesting happens.
Later,
college nobody
So to begin... I am enrolled at the University of Wyoming as a freshman, due to start classes on the 24th of August, 2009. As an incoming freshman from out of town, I have to stay in the dorms (which I am actually exited about.) My soon-to-be new roommate seems cool enough. We met once this summer and have been e-mailing back and forth. She seems nice enough and we seem to get along okay. Since she will be my roommate, and I may mention her a lot, I've decided to give her a fake name... hum... how about Sarah? Sarah the roomie.
Well, that is it for now. I guess I'll write more when something interesting happens.
Later,
college nobody
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